Training myself

Tomorrow I finally start my training with my principal broker. It is for one week, 8 hours a day. After that I train weekly for a few hours with the managing broker for several months. I am very excited and chomping at the bit to get out there and start making contacts. Still waiting on my announcements and business cards.

It feels good to be done at the bank. They were good to me there, but there was no place for me to advance. Now I feel like my future is in my hands. That is good for a control freak. Of course the unknown income is not the best feeling for a control freak. So I will concentrate on the good. It is something I have been working on this past year. There is a lot of good out there, if you can take the time to see it.

Rest In Peace Natalie Jo

Today we buried my cousin. She was 38. Her daughter is 14. The same age as my eldest. Her death was a blessing, she had been very ill for a very long time. But my heart goes out to her brothers, father, and especially her daughter.

Hug your kids. You never know if you'll get another chance.

So Far So Good

A year ago today, our lives as we knew them ended. I had never felt like more of a failure as a parent. As a person. I had no hope. What I did have were friends and family. With their help we not only survived the last year, but did so with a great deal of joy. Seriously, I didn't think joy would ever be experienced again. Not by us.

It hasn't been easy. And it still isn't. But this year we are entering the holiday season and thinking and hoping for a bright future. With just a little bit of luck and a lot of hard work, it is within our reach.

Thanksgiving is approaching. I want to take a second to thank all those that have helped us survive, even thrive in the last year. Thanks to those that snuck food into my freezer. Thanks to those that mailed care packages and gift cards to us. Thanks to those that sent us cash outright. Thanks to those that bought things from us that they really didn't need. Thanks to those that gave me references for jobs. Thanks to those that gave me leads. Thanks to those that changed my tire in the snow - and the tire company that gave me a free one to replace it. Thanks to those that spent their Christmas break watching my kids so they wouldn't be home alone while I worked. Thanks to those that helped me rebuild a professional wardrobe. Thanks to those that picked my kids up and dropped them off for various appointments. Thanks to those that gave me legal advise. Thanks to those that called to see how we were doing - and to those I called when I had given up. Thanks to those that kept us in their thoughts and their prayers. Without everyone of you, it could have been a very different end to this year. So thank you.

Two more weeks of part-time income and then I'm on a full commission basis. Scary, yes, but also exciting.

Speaking of scary, I have now been on Match.com long enough (5-6 weeks) to pretty much have gone through all of the potential local bachelors on there. Pretty sad that only 3 wanted to go out with me. And apparently none of them wanted to date me more than once. I'm starting to think that they weren't completely honest on their profiles. No, seriously, I think they were lying when they said they wanted to find someone honest and to take things slowly. Can you imagine? I, on the other hand, was completely and entirely honest on my profile. There were of course things I didn't mention, like the ex is serving 10 years in prison due in large part to my testimony, but the stuff that is on there is true.

So even though Halloween is over, the frights are just beginning.

Moving on

I had my first broker interview today. It was kind of fun since I was basically interviewing them. I have two more tomorrow. I hope to have a decision made by Friday. Depending on my choice I may start a formalized training program by next week. I was told it could be closer to 6 months before I see any commission checks. That was sobering. Most paperwork says 3-4 months.

I have now been on three first dates. All of them horrible in different ways - and none of them as bad as they could have been. Only one man has followed up with me at all. There is another that has called me, but he has the same name as my ex. He is permitting me to call him Raphael. We have not gone out.

On the home front, it has been quite some time since there has needed to be a police presence at our house. My goal for 2010 is to be police free.

Ten Days Later

Wow - I haven't blogged in a long time. I am officially done with my real estate licensing class. Passed it and the state exam. Now I am just waiting to get a broker affiliation. That was the most concentrated coursework I have ever taken. Glad to be done and brain dead again.

Since the classes are done I have moved into a harder part of my life. I'm trying to date again. I have had two first dates and am going on another one later this evening. Maybe eventually I'll get a second date. Not sure I can handle the stress of that. In the meantime, I am enjoying having my dinners paid for.

School is Hard

And I should be doing some of it. But it is easy to procrastinate and eat donuts and watch The Office.

Sunday Evening

Whew! Got the 8 chapters of prereading done for my class that starts tomorrow. I really hope there is no more than two chapters a night. I have to admit that if the job is as boring as the reading, I'm not sure real estate sales is for me. Let's hope this is the penalty phase. If I can make it through this, I get to do the fun stuff.

For the next two weeks, I get to wear comfortable clothing and shoes. Very excited about that.

Had more hits on Match.com. Sunday must be a big day for single guys to think they want a woman in their life. Maybe they don't want to get their own beer during the game? News for them - I don't either. When the Colts play - I watch.

Saturday Night with No Kids

My girls are at my mom's for the night. Since I'm trying to get back into the whole social thing, I did what all women my age who find themselves with an evening to themselves do. Went shopping. For my kids. Then I came home and watched a Monk rerun and ate a can of cold ravioli. Awe - the high life.

Now I am going to poor a glass of wine and diet 7Up, run a bubble bath and try to read a chapter of my book before I fall asleep.

Jealous?

Am I Having Fun Yet?

Went on my first date over a week ago. I thought it went well. The next night I chatted with him on IM. He was talking about ideas for our next date. That is the last I have heard from him. I am really too old for these mind games. If you don't want to date me. Fine, I can take it. I've worn big girl panties for quite some time now. And trust me, there is NOT a game that a guy that has met me for 1 hour can possibly play that my husband of 20 years didn't master.

So really, all you aging Romeo's out there: If you aren't into me, big deal. Grow a brass set and tell me so.

At Least She Can't Hitchhike

I was still getting ready for work when the phone rang. My middle daughter, J, had already gotten injured at school. Freak dodgeball accident resulting in a thumb that no longer pointed the correct direction.

Called in late to work, picked up J, and 4 hours later we left our third medical office with a bright pink cast on her right hand and some scary weird x-ray photos of her right thumb. It had been dislocated. The doctor massaged it back into place asked her how it felt and she gave him a thumbs up - which dislocated it again. Hence the cast. She is now pretending that she can't operate a vacuum cleaner with her left hand, but that walking the 115 pound of obstinate muscle that we call Maggie is a breeze for her. I think maybe a dodge ball hit her head too.

The Renee Way

I saw my uncle today. I haven't seen him for a couple of years. He is a really nice guy and was asking me about what all had been going on with me. He knew the broad strokes of the portrait, so as I started to fill in the details, he began to laugh. I thought he might start to cry he was laughing so hard.

Now those of you that know me at all know that my life is a lot of things, but gut-busting merry it isn't. He apologized and said he knew what I was saying wasn't funny, but that I just told it in such a "Renee way" that he couldn't help it. I have decided to take that as a compliment. But I have to wonder if the "Renee way" makes me sound nonchalant or uncaring to people that don't know me well or don't know the whole of my story.

So I am going on record that I love my children more than myself, more than chocolate, even more than my dogs. My life isn't always easy, isn't even usually easy, so I diffuse my own tension with humor and sarcasm. This may not always sound appropriate to others, but it is how I cope. So if you read about what would normally be sad or even tragic and you smile instead of cry, that's ok. So do I.

Blowing my Daughter's Future Out my Nose

Dear Ms. Choir Instructor:

I was looking at my daughter's grades online and saw that she is missing an assignment from August. I asked her about it and she got it out of her back pack. It is an orange student info sheet. I remember, vaguely, her coming home with that in the beginning of the school year and telling me that it was MY homework assignment to do. I assumed she was joking and told her that was too bad. I wasn't enrolled in her classes and was not required to do homework for them. Imagine my surprise that SHE was given an F (0/10) for me not completing MY assignment in a class I didn't take.

I am a single mother of three girls. Between my full time job, cooking, shopping, cleaning, and shuffling them to their 94 (if they stay healthy) doctor's, dentists, counselor's and orthodontist's appointments a year, I do not have the time or inclination to complete homework assigned by a 6th grade teacher.

My daughter will have the Student Information Sheet, completed by me and turned in by her, on Wednesday. Please do not penalize my daughter for an assignment that wasn't hers to complete. And for the record, my daughter does not have the authority to tell me what I have to do, even if her teacher "assigns" it.

In the future, if you need information that can't be obtained from the records the school already has, just ask. Please do not call it homework and fail my child for not providing it.

Sincerely,

Renee

P.S. - (This was not included in the actual letter to the teacher, but should have been.) I see where she did not get extra credit for providing Kleenex for your classroom. Of course it didn't say how much extra credit that would have been. Seriously, what is the price of an A? One box of tissues, a 4 pack, a case? Can I just write a check for $2.09 and she can "earn" enough points to get the all A honor-roll? I will admit I am not musically inclined, but what does this teach them? Are we sure it is something they should be learning?

Make Him a Matchless Match

A few weeks ago I signed up on Match.com. It has been an odd experience. I've had a pretty decent response. Actually I was a little overwhelmed the first week. It has been so long since any man paid attention to me, including my creepy ex, that I was flabbergasted. I had to go reread my profile to see if I sounded horny and desperate. Honestly I don't think I do. I am thinking there must be a severe shortage of singles that can type coherent sentences. I may have finally found my niche.

I hid from the site for a week or two, while eldest daughter was running me ragged mentally, and have just recently peeked back at my contacts. I have been "winked" at quite a few times. I was very excited until I realized over half of the winkers were 1000 plus miles away. What exactly do these men think is going to happen here? And why are they looking for mates across the country? There really can't be a national shortage of 40 something divorced mothers of teens out there.

So anyway, after nearly 21 years of ignoring the male population, I am now corresponding with not one, but two local divorced dads. And though I have met neither of them, I feel like I am cheating on them. Not good at dating - or almost dating. I don't need this stress.

Extra points if you can tell me where the blog title comes from.

Untold Riches

Next week I have 3 days off. I do not have long left in my job and need to use my vacation time before I lose it. One of the days, J and A have off from school. I'm excited to get to spend some time with them.

Another of the days I have to take S to the doctor. But the the third day - I get to spend home. Alone with my dogs. No kids until 3:00 p.m. Heaven on Earth. Of course I love my kids, but I am in desperate need of a day without stress. Even if the day is only 8 hours long.

Wishy Washy

Do I stay or do I go, now? It's ok to tap your feet. I just wish I knew where to plant mine. Every time I think I know which way the wind is blowing me, something else comes up that makes me rethink my choices.

Tomorrow I have a phone interview for a job that will let me move back to my home town. But it doesn't pay well. Today my current job offered to let me stay on part time after my Real Estate training is completed. So there would at least be some money coming in while I get established.

So do I go live in a place I love, or try a new career that I think I would love? I feel like Charlie Brown trying to talk myself into kicking/not kicking the football.

Finally a Little Support

The girls have been a little uncooperative for some time now. No matter what I do, they are never where they should be. Today I fixed that. It cost me a bit of money and asking for help was just as embarassing as I thought it would be, but finally, finally, things are moving up. I got a new bra and the girls have relocated a few inches north of their previous home.

Busy Trying to Maintain Sanity

Wow -it's been nearly a week since I've been on here. Life has kind of steamrolled me lately. One of my ankles is still screwed up. But that has been the very least of my problems.

In the last week S managed to spread her stories about how I beat her and I was investigated for child abuse. It may have been a mixed blessing. It tore a hole in my heart, but it may open the door to getting some in home service. The charge has already been unsubstantiated. When she found out she got me reported, she ran away for a third time. So tired of it all.

I have 3 weeks left of work. Then I start my Real Estate class. Or not. I have a phone interview for a job near my home town. And the house I grew up in is finally on the market. And if I sold this one I could afford it. If things all came together perfectly, I might get to move home.

Finally, I joined an online dating service. I have been chatting with a man that finds me funny and interesting. At least he keeps chatting with me. It is good for my soul to be flirted with again. It has been too many years.

Pain and Suffering

Yeah, another upbeat entry from yours truly. :-/

I have had a lot of pain in my right shoulder and the side of my neck. Like it hurts to turn my head kind of pain. I have been blaming it on sleeping wrong, but since I don't know how to sleep right, something is gonna have to give.

Though I am still recovering from my fall on the stairs last week, I decided the dogs HAD to be walked today. It was getting pathetic watching them walk through the house holding their leashes. So S and I decided to take the two for an afternoon stroll. Most of the walk was uneventful. Near the end, however, we saw a man approaching with two small dogs of his own. Knowing Maggie's anticanine tendencies, we started to cut through a common area to avoid the little dogs. Man decided to do so too. Maggie literally pulled me off my feet and drug me to try and get to the interlopers. Eventually my greater strength (weight) halted her forward progress. When I stood up, my other ankle hurt. It is 6 hours later now and it has continued to get worse all afternoon. I can barely get around even with crutches.

I'd complain that I can't catch a break, but I fear I may have.

This Post has Nothing to do with 9/11

I want to write witty and cohesive posts about the things that are occurring in my life. Unfortunately, I am barely awake when I update, much less witty. Tonight, however, I have a full glass of wine, no kids, and a clean house. Perhaps witty will follow?

Why is my house clean? Because we had a showing today. I was up until 11:00 p.m. shaving Maggie fur off the furniture and carpeting. (This will soon be your life, Christine.) I had to board the dogs since they were scheduled to come during the day and I had to work. Thing about boarding the dogs is that they need to have the bordatella (sp?) vaccine. Rocky didn't. So he had to have that done. This showing cost me $62 in dog expenses. And the people didn't even take a flyer.

Why don't I have any kids tonight? Because my mom (who hit a milestone this week in her weight loss) took them for the night. I finally told my mother about becoming a realtor. She didn't call me an idiot or a dumbass. She is either off her game - or her joy at being thinner is seeping into her personal relationships. She did tell me I would suck as a salesperson though.

So with no kids and a clean house, why am I drinking at home, alone, on a Friday night? Good question. I keep thinking I want to date. But I am scared that I might bring another predator into my kids lives. Not worth it. I have been told I have issues. So there is that and the small fact that no one has asked me out. I miss playing pool in bars and drinking beer from a tap. I think I need to find a gay male friend that needs a beard.

Okay - I obviously didn't hit witty. Is it at least somewhat cohesive?

Good and Bad

I'm cautiously optimistic about my new broadband card. It costs twice as much as the internet connection I just cancelled, but I am thinking of it as insurance. If my kids can't get online without my knowledge, then they will have more trouble giving out identifying information to perverts. And really we have fulfilled our lifetime pervert quota. The kids are not as excited about my new safety measure.

The last couple of days our home has had an odor. We couldn't identify it or find the source. Until last night. Seems another mouse made it in, but not out. Cleaning up this little corpse made me realize how very glad I am that I am not in a position that would require me to clean up a human-sized one.

Peace on My Earth

At peace with myself for the first time in a while. I signed up for the real estate class today. I gave notice today (but I gave a month and offered to return after the class on a part-time basis.) I feel good about my decisions. I have a tendency to second guess myself quite a bit, but I do think I have already done this. This decision was a long time in coming. But it feels right. I still have to break it to my mother though. She will call me names and will not listen to my reasoning. Knowing that, I am hoping I can let my new found calm deflect her criticism.

It has been three days since my eldest has run. She is simmering. I can tell that something is going to give soon. I am hoping that I can deflect that too. I am going to try and ignore her bad choices and choose to laugh when she tries to trick me with her manipulations and outright lies. I don't know how it will work, but nothing else has, so might as well give it a try.

Of course this peace could just be exhaustion. I only slept 3 hours last night. My ankle is twice its normal size and pain has been the main focus of my day. Still, I'll take it.

Labor Day

I have spent the day doing pretty much everything but the one thing I had intended to. This is a frequent theme to my life. My new faster laptop has pretty much brought my day to a halt as I try to load all my old files. Having troubles with the photos. I got 2 out 8 years to copy to the new PC, but none of the other 6 would. I don't know if it is an issue of the new or if the download to disk corrupted the rest.

Also having troubles figuring out how to access the printer since this is wireless and I have never done that before. I found the disk and am attempting to load the drivers. If I can get this sucker added to my network, I think I will have it nailed. Anyone know how to do that?

Labor day was a huge bust here. I got injured early in the day and didn't feel like doing anything. S is still on every one's shit list - no one wants to trust her in any way. I feel bad for her, but I have learned not to show it. She will immediately act out again if she thinks she has been able to snow me again. It took me a long time to learn, but experience has finally beat it through my head.

Same Shit, Different Audience

Eldest daughter must have really enjoyed all the attention she got the last time she ran away. She decided to do it again tonight - while we had company. I think it is her version of peromance art.

I have no idea what to do from here. I have never felt so impotent before. Open to suggestions.

Dead Things.

The farm next to our subdivision just baled hay last week. A hawk has been circling regularly. Several dead mice have turned up in our yard (and one in my bedroom). I just put this all together. I used to be smarter than this.

Rant

Sigh. I was just sitting down here to post about how things seemed to be pointing me in the direction of my hometown. There are 3 jobs listed that I am qualified for. My old house is vacant and I now have a contact number for the lawyer representing the bank that foreclosed on it. There has been a small amount of interest in my home (unfortunately - very small.) Then youngest daughter came in to tell me what oldest daughter has been up to - again.

I am so sick of this child and her trashiness that I can't even stand to look at her right now. I KNOW everything she says is a lie. The more she pretends she is doing everything she is supposed to, the more I know that she is hiding what she is doing that she is NOT supposed to.

I feel cheated. I was a good kid, a great teenager, and a very responsible adult. How did I end up with such a lying little sleaze as a daughter. Yes, I know I can contribute the sleaziness in part to her dad - but even before his criminal actions she was an accomplished liar and she had started down the road of trashiness several years before his actions. I really don't have any left to give.

For further fun, my felon ex-husband has filed to have child support recalculated based on his prison income. I knew it was coming, but now I get to spend more money on attorney fees and take more time off work to deal with this. And it won't change the outcome at all. I will not see a cent for 5 years. So I am asking my attorney to see if he is open to terminating his parental rights. No more child support for him - no more him for us to have to deal with again. Truly - I have never hated anyone as I do him. He destroyed many lives - yet he can only think about his. Bastard.

Ramblings of an Overtired Mind

Open house is over. People actually showed at this one. This is our 5th Open House in the last two years and the first one that ever had anyone attend. We had 5 sets of lookers. Very pleased.

Keeping the dogs occupied was interesting. We tried PetSmart. We know that Maggie doesn't do well with other dogs, but we had high hopes. They were dashed. I had to rush her back outside and send S in to buy some Bitter Yuck spray. Then we ventured back in. It went much better with that threat hanging over her head. She even let a playful German Shepherd pup touch her nose. An unheard of liberty.

Then we took them to the park. We walked for an hour. I'm not sure who was limping more, Maggie or me. Rocky did fine, as he always does. The girls had fun watching people watch Maggie. They are either mesmerized or terrified, but rarely indifferent. Today a young boy saw her, threw up his arms and yelled "Bear!" So this week she has been called both a tiger and a bear. If we can add lion to the mix, then I can pretend to be Dorothy and skip down the path in pretty red shoes. Oh my.

Did finally get that bizarro nail trimmed. Unfortunately she woke up and jerked as I was doing it and now it is bleeding. I hate when I hurt my babies.

Saw a bat today - in the day time. Not my favorite flying creature.

Bought tomatoes from the farmer down the road - tons of them. And a big fat spider was in the bag too. I didn't even have to pay extra for him. I could have probably stir-fried him and we could have each had 2 legs. At that point I will go vegetarian.

Deeply Imbedded Filth

Tomorrow is our Open House. I hate those things. No one ever shows up. Still, I do them because it gets our house in the paper - and it forces us to do a deep clean. We have been working all day. I finished steam cleaning the carpets at 10:00 p.m. We did our yard work today - and the neighbor's yard since they moved out and left their home to be foreclosed on. Tomorrow we get up early and bake cookies for the "smell" and to console ourselves with them afterward. If we can just figure out what to do with the dogs for two hours tomorrow afternoon. If only I knew someone with sheep that might want to test drive a guard dog...

Things have mellowed here a bit. I feel like we are all ignoring the elephant in the room, unfortunately whether you ignore it or not, it will still shit on your carpet. If only steam cleaning would clean up this particular mess. I do think darling daughter was taken aback by being brought home in a police car and by seeing me cry in public. I do hope we can sell soon and I can get the girls back to my home town. We all need fresh starts.

The Best Policy

I got new glasses today. I'm quite happy with them. They are olive green and make me feel like a cross between Tina Fey and a librarian. Which, if I'm honest, is what I usually feel like.

They are just stylish enough for me to know that in 10 years I will look back at photos and say, "What in the world was I thinking." Which, if I'm honest, is what I usually think when I look at photos of me.

I'm going to give wearing them daily a try. I usually reserve glasses only for the days after sleepless nights, when I can't get my contacts in my dry eyes. Which, if I'm honest...

To Bank or Not to Bank

Today a supervisor asked me if I had thought about becoming an assistant manager. He foresees an opening in the next few months. I panicked. I could literally feel my throat closing. I knew if I was offered this position, I would have to take it. The pay would be livable, but not great. It would make me marketable for better positions in banking over the years. But it would keep me in banking. For years.

I used to think, I wanted to be a banker. In reality I fell into it shortly out of college and have stayed in the field on and off for a few decades now. I know that many would love to have a job, any job, right now. Much less one with a chance for a small promotion. And not too many weeks ago I was one of those people. But I just spent my first summer not seeing my kids. They did their things all day, every day. I worked and when I got home, I was so unhappy, I slept. Now my girls and I are struggling with a whole lot of exhausting emotional issues and I feel like I need to be rejuvenated by my job. Not even more exhausted.

I know that I can live for about 8 months on my savings and what is left of my retirement fund. And yes I know I shouldn't touch the retirement fund, but after watching it shrink for the past 18 months, it is harder for me to think of it as "savings." I feel a big decision coming on in the next two weeks. I wish I knew what it would be.

Everyone is ok, depending on your definition

Too much bad for one year. Can't take a lot more. The police do know us well now. So tired. I have to decide if protecting my kids from themselves is more important than keeping the house and feeding the same kids.

Sunday in the Park with Dogs

It's Sunday night. How in the hell did that happen? I hate it when I work Saturdays. The weekends are non-existant. We had a showing at 8:00 a.m. this morning. Who does that? Don't people know that you either go to church on Sunday morning or you sleep in. You do NOT get up and look at houses or make OTHER people get up and leave their house. Complete with over 150 pounds of canines.

So the girls, dogs and I hit the walking trail at the park - and thought, hmmm for August 23rd it is insanely cold. It did hit 70 degrees today. And truly that is perfect weather. But in Indiana, in mid-August, the low should be in the 80's.

So in a completely random segue - Maggie has these extra toes. They hang a few inches off the ground on her legs. It is a trait of the breed and they are more than bizarre looking. And they don't wear down with walks since they never actually hit the ground. I can trim about one of her nails every two weeks or so. She does NOT like people touching any of her toes, useless or not. Well it looks like one has never been trimmed and is now in almost a complete circle. I have tried 3 times tonight, but when a 115 pound guard dog doesn't want a pedicure, she doesn't get one. I'm thinking I may have to sedate her and get a set of bolt trimmers for the nails and hedge trimmers for the coat.

What do I Want to be When I Grow up:

A long time ago, I started asking myself this question. When I was 10, I wanted to teach Scuba Diving and math to 9th graders. I had never been scuba diving and I was only in 5th grade math at the time, but even then I knew 5th graders were all snots and I'd never make it through the day teaching them.

At no point in my life have I ever woken up and thought, "I WANT to be a banker." So why am I a banker? I have wanted to be a model, a writer, an advertising executive, a taste tester at an ice cream factory, a veterinarian, and a Realtor.

The one I have come back to several times in the last 15 years is Realtor. I have pursued it enough to get literature, take compatability tests, and contact various brokers' offices. But I have never taken the step of getting trained and getting my license. The idea of potentially no income for several months has always terrified me. At this point in my life I can think of many reasons not to pursue it, and if I miss one I know my mother will throw it at me. But for the first time in my life I have a few months income set aside (unspent child support). I know I would be a good real estate agent. I am exceptionally detail orientated, I have a strong background in finance, specifically mortgage processing, I am extremely service orientated, and I want to succeed. The main thing I don't have that I will need is a supportive family. I'm sure the kids would be ok with it, but my mother will call me all kinds of names, both to my face and behind my back to my kids.

I also know that in a year, I will not have that extra money set aside. I do not make enough to cover our bills and I have been dipping into my savings a little each month. It seems like a now or never kind of thing.

The next set of classes starts in just over 3 weeks. I am going to see if we get any showings on the house before the end of August. If not, I am going to sign up. I would still rather sell the house and move back to Illinois, but I know I need to make a major change soon.

Refreshed

I got sent home from work 2 hours early today. There were literally no customers for hours. I need the money, but I also need the time off.

When I got home, all my kids were doing what they were SUPPOSED to be doing. I was both surprised and relieved. I have run out of things to take away from the eldest.

So I spent my two found hours repainting the front door and the porch swing as my Realtor suggested. Now I really need to get to bed. There isn't enough paint in the world to hide the bags under my eyes.

Why my Dog is Better than a Husband

Rocky is a fabulous dog, but as I was laying down to nap, I realized he would make a great husband - here is why:

He likes to spoon in bed.
He greets me with kisses whenever I come home.
He has gorgeous eyes and a charming smile.
He thinks I'm the greatest thing in the world.
He loves my cooking.
Even if I don't cook it first.
He has fabulous hair.
He always cheers me up when I'm blue.
He makes me laugh.
He will protect his family from all threats, real and imagined.
He likes dogs.
He doesn't smoke.
He never insults me.
When I'm a bitch, he thinks that is appropriate.
He loves to exercise.
He lets me lead when we dance.
He never takes the remote control.
He can lick his own damn penis.

The only down side is he has a hairy back - and I can live with that.

Guilt and Exhaustion

I did not sign on to be a single parent. In addition to all the truly horrifying things my ex did, he made me be a single parent. I am not trying to trivialize his criminal behaviors. I have spent most of the last nine months trying to see that the girls would be ok. Or at least as ok as possible. Every time I start to feel bad about how my life has changed, I feel guilty. I haven't suffered at all compared to my girls.

So now I am the one that is paying the price for their suffering. And I can't get away. There are no visitation weekends. If I am not the parent, then no one is. If they need to be at the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, or counselor, it is my job to get them there. If I can't be at home with them, they are home alone. Yes, I have had some help from my mother. But sometimes that is more difficult than not getting help.

In addition to being the chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, breadwinner, landscaper, disciplinarian, and caregiver, I am also the scape goat and mental punching bag. It just keeps coming down to one simple fact. I did not protect my kids. What happened was my fault. It is a debt I will be paying to them and for them forever.

Perchance to Dream, NOT

Eventually I will sleep. That is all I can come up with at this point. It has been 3 days since I have slept more than 45 minutes without waking up. I am barely hanging on. Not sure how I can be so exhausted and still not sleep.

At least 8 times a night I awake in a full fledged anxiety attack about the kids, the house, the job, finances, etc... So now I have to get dressed and pretend to function like a real person.

Thank God Tomorrow is Monday!

It's nearly 1:00 a.m. which means I have been up for almost 13 hours. So how can I be so wiped out? Oh yeah - I did about 20 hours worth of work in that time.

I am bruised, battered, burned and bug bitten. Got into a fight with some poison ivy too, but that didn't fit my nice alliteration. Besides in a day or two I will find out if I won that fight.

I cooked twice today. First I made gluten-free pancakes and fried up some bacon. The bacon spattered and burned my arm, which blistered immediately. A few minutes later it attacked again, but went for my face. I think I set a land speed record getting to the sink and sticking my head into the dirty dishes and under the cold water faucet. I have enough issues with scarring on my face, I do not need to add to it.

So later tonight I grilled out and made BBQ ribs. Big thick ones. I closed the lid of the grill to get them smoked clean through. When I opened the lid a few minutes later, flames leaped out and about caught my hair on fire. Not a good day for Renee. But the ribs were excellent.

I did, however, defur the entire downstairs. Hauled a desk out of the garage (where it has been resting for 2 weeks) and up into J's room. Hung a huge ass mirror in S's room - twice. The wire broke the first time. Then I touched up the paint on her wall where the huge ass mirror slid down. Cleaned out my closet - which is a task. That thing is enormous. Bought some plants on clearance from Lowes and repotted them and had J and a neighbor kid plant the leftovers. Cleaned the kitchen, complete with mopping. And changed purses. Now I am going to sleep for 5 hours, get up and be thrilled to go to work where I can relax. At least for a few hours - tomorrow is a half day.

Working Like a Dog

Actually since I did more than shed and lick myself, I worked a hell of a lot harder.

I woke up this morning with a purpose. I want to make some major life changes. Not because I have to - I have spent the last 9 months doing that. But because I WANT to. I do not want to live in this house. I do not want to work in a job with little chance of earning a livable wage for another 2 -3 years.

So I called a local Real Estate chain - a fairly big one - and set up an appointment for 12:30. I dropped the kids off at Barnes and Nobles with our membership card. Then I went and talked to an agent about listing the house. I am having zero response to my sign, ad and flyers. He is going to come out Monday to take photos and have me sign the listing agreement. I also talked to him about what is involved in becoming an agent. It is something I think about pursuing every couple of years, but have always found a practical reason to put it off. Now I have a ton of practical reasons - all of them based on finances. But I keep thinking, it is now or never. And I know I have survived being broke before. Fairly recently. So I am number crunching and seeing if I have the finances to make a go for it.

After that meeting, the girls and I went grocery shopping, I haven't done more than picking up milk and produce for nearly a month. One hundred and eighty five dollars later we headed home.

S & A pooper scooped the yard, I weed-eatered it and J mowed it. Then I dug out the edger and cleaned up the sidewalk and driveway area. Throughout the day I managed to finish the laundry. I also cleaned out and reorganized the pantry. Found a pile of Mark's clothing that needed mending. Decided to trash them. Not the toughest decision I'll ever make. I made chicken teriyaki with broccoli, rice and left over quinoa. Yummmmmmy. After dinner I started a fire in the fire pit - (had some weird starter log thingie that really helped the process) and we roasted marshmellows on it.

Then I took a long bubble bath, loaded the dishwasher and made some gluten-free brownies. They taste different, but good. Sometime during the day we also took the dogs for a long walk around the neighborhood.

Tomorrow I have another long list of things to take care of before the listing appointment, but I made huge progress today. If the house sells quickly, I may ditch the real estate plans and head over to my home town. I think I can handle a dead end job if I am in a place that has happy memories for me. I found out the job I applied to a couple of weeks ago, still hasn't been filled, so there is a chance for that to pan out yet too.

I wish I could bottle the energy I had today and take a shot of it every day.

Waiting for Godot I'm not.

Have nothing on my mind since it is 1:30 in the morning. My contacts are dried little disks in my eyes. So why am I still up? Waiting for the laundry to finish drying. Yes, I know it will do that even if I go to bed. But I finally got sick of the pink pile of crap that came out of A's room when she decided she was too old for Care Bears and what not. Amvets is coming bright and early this morning to pick up our stuff. Unfortunately some of her old treasures were so filthy I couldn't bring myself to give them away with out a thorough washing. So now I am waiting for the dryer. And waiting. Still better than getting up early to put them out.

Wait - I have to get up early to put the dogs out. Damn - I could have gone to bed hours ago.

Irrational Fears and Irrational People

I have the best dogs. I needed to say something positive since I have been on a major bitch fest and there appears to be no end in site. So, Rocky and Maggie are truly the most loving and fun to watch animals in the world.

Now on to the regularly scheduled programming...

We went to the State Fair tonight. It was great to see our friends - and the tenderloin was nummy. But I really can't go back. Crowds are starting to do things to me. I don't remember being this nervous in them before the last 6 months or so. I get very panicky now when a lot of people are near me. Especially when my kids are nearby. I thinked I counted heads every 15 seconds or so. I blame Mark. (But I blame him for pretty much everything.) I am terrified that I am going to be separated from the girls and not be able to find them. And there are so many strange people at the fair. Used to be the carnival workers were the odd looking ones. They looked like soccer moms and accountants compared to the patrons. And as we left, some guy on the street started yelling things at us. Because I am an idiot, I turned and asked him what he said. He repeated it louder. I am not sure but I think he wanted to "party" with my girls and I. About wigged me out, and I pulled my chickies closer and we booked to the car. Really, I can't go back.

Between that and the "customer" that yelled at me at me on the phone today at work for losing her $50,000.00, I have had it with humans. I asked her 3 times if she was sure she was calling the right bank. She assured me she was and I had better find her money. I finally made her go find a statement and read me the name of the bank on it. Didn't share a single syllable with my bank. Then she wanted me to tell her the phone number of her real bank. I pointed out that I had never had need to call them and that she was holding a statement from them in her hand.

People piss me off - well all except you guys reading this.

Make Mine a Double

Just for the record, I am not the Renee that is following this blog. At least I don't think I am. This blog isn't listed as one I am following. Of course as computer savvy as I am, it might be me. So if you are Renee and are 25% of my followers, please leave me a comment so I don't think I have a split personality that is so unoriginal it gave itself the same name as my other personality.

And speaking of head games, I think I might need an adjustment on my Prozac. I seem to be cycling between feeling invincible and feeling like I stepped in dog poop. barefoot. with both feet. I think I'd like to feel something in the middle for more than a few hours.

Tomorrow we are going to the state fair after I get off work. We have free tickets to get in, so we can justify $5 corndogs and $4 bottled waters. I figure after a tenderloin or fried Twinkies I will be puking up at least one of my personalities. It might be worth it.

Day 1 of 180

Today is the first day back to school for my girls. Just for the record, I hate public school. I have already been given my first "homework" assignment. Since the only people that think this is cute are the teachers, they are just going to have to give me an incomplete for the year. Really, working full time, raising 3 daughters on my own, shopping, cooking, and cleaning, taking 5 animals to the vet and the kids to doctor, dentist, counseling and ortho appointments - I was hoping someone that had the summer off would think up ways to give me more to do.

It is now 7 a.m. and 2 of the 3 left 15 minutes ago for their bus. The other is ready and annoying the bloody heck out of me. At least for a few weeks it will be daylight at the bus stop.

Yesterday we hauled the groceries to the school so A wouldn't have to carry them on the bus. I'm fairly certain this is an Indiana phenomenon. The free education that my children are provided involves a minimum of $100 per kid for textbook rental, at least $50 of required school supplies, and then a shopping list to stock the classroom: Kleenex, Clorox hand wipes, Ziploc baggies. Each year I keep expecting them to add toilet paper to the list.

Yes, I understand that in the past teachers paid for this out of their own pockets, blah, blah, blah. Why not let our property taxes pay for this and, I don't know, get rid of the HD flat screen TV's in each classroom?

Oh well in 5 minutes it is time for me to get up and get ready for work. Let the games begin.

Unqualified

I took 6 tests today: Filing, Typing, Excel, Word, Outlook, Powerpoint. I blew 5 of them away. I tend to test very well. I, however, came up short on the typing. I could only type 47 words per minute. To pass I needed to type 50 WPM. So I do not meet the qualifications of the job. Sigh.

A few times in the past weeks, I have had the opportunity to flirt with unmarried men. It's been over 20 years since I have even tried to flirt. To say that I am bad at it, is a HUGE understatement. I seem to be one of the guys. This was a recurring theme in high school. I had a ton of guy friends, but none of them thought of me as female. In college, I had a reprieve where I seemed to seen as a girl. At least by drunk males. I am wondering if gay men would see me as one of the guys? Perhaps there is a group I might still appeal to? Or perhaps flirting is just something else I am not qualified for. Sigh.

My head hurts

I have spent the majority of the weekend on the computer trying to teach myself how to use PowerPoint, Outlook and the finer points of Excel. I have been taking typing tests where the instructor suggests I take up long hand.

When I took a break and answered the phone my ex brother-in law was on it. There was nothing I wanted to do less than talk to someone related to the pedophile. Seriously - I would rather have a gynological exam. Or my belly button pierced.

I'm wishing I had more Vodka and Cranberry juice, but it is probably good that I don't.

9 Months

Today is the 9 month anniversary of finding out that my husband was a felon. Of knowing that our lives were basically over. When I think of how I felt on that day, I was positive I would never feel good again. I knew that I would lose the house, was terrified I might lose my kids, and thought living in our car was a real possibility for us, very probably while on the run.

We did lose a lot. Our income, health insurance, trust in my judgement, our sense of security. But we have gained so very much more. We know who our family and friends are. We know that we can survive and survive quite well with much less money. We know that persistance pays off. And we know that we have each others' backs.

If I could have known 9 months ago that not only would we pull through, but pull through nicely and this quickly, I would have been much less stressed. But I probably needed that stress to do what I had to do to get us here. Of course without all my friends and family members that helped us, "here" would be a very different place.

In nine months a new life can grow and be born. In our case it was four new lives.

Thank you everyone.

Vodka and Diet Cranberry Juice

Gluten and sugar free. No post for me tonight.

And Just Why in the Hell is there a BMI Calculator on Here?

One of the more pleasant side effects of cutting the ex out of my life was dropping over 30 pounds with absolutely no effort on my part. It isn't a diet I recommend, but since I had to go through the other crap, I'll take the silver lining. As a result of the loss I have a BMI that is, for the first time since I got married (many many moons ago), in the healthy range. Now I am just barely in the healthy range, but I am there. Our Wii Fit isn't happy though. It wants me at a BMI of 22. So that is my long term goal. I live to gain approval from video games.

Anyway, a friend was recently diagnosed with Celiacs disease - actually a couple of friends were. Since I am a nosy busybody, I started researching the gluten free life style. Good stuff there. Seems going off gluten can relieve many of my less enjoyable symptoms of aging. So I thought I'd give it a try. Same friend told me if I went off sugar my "brain fog" would clear. Not sure that was too nice telling me I had/have brain fog, but I will admit that I frequently live down to my hair color. (Ditzy gray ;-D ) Anyhoo - went off most sugar and gluten for two weeks and lost NINE pounds!!! So thrilled I celebrated. With sugar and gluten. Two weeks later I have found each and everyone of those missing pounds. They got uglier.

So I am starting fresh. Tomorrow ( yeah, I know) I will restart. Today I went to a Whole Foods grocery and spent a small fortune on gluten-free products. On the way home I tore into the package of Wasabi Rice Crackers. As soon as the first one hit my tongue - my tongue called me a bitch. But within a minute of swallowing, it apologized and asked for another. I am now officially addicted to these spicy little crunchers. And the great thing is I can have 15 crackers for 120 calories. So happy.

So that BMI calculator is going to stay there until the evil monster that lives in the Wii Fit says YEAH YOU!! My goal is by my next birthday. So ignore it, use it, cuss it out - but it is my constant reminder that I CAN make a machine eat its words (gluten free though they may be.)

A Life Well Done

The other night I had to come to terms with the fact that there are some things I just can't do. Starting a wood fire is one of them. Tonight I had another realization. No matter how nice the cut of beef is, I can't make an edible steak. I either overcook it and it becomes something like really nasty gum or it is so rare on the inside that it is still chewing its cud.

Today I hauled scrap metal to the dump on my lunch hour. This may not seem like much, but it's another of those things I have never done before. Each one gives me a lift - like maybe I can do this on my own. Maybe I can make a good life for my children. Maybe I can provide a nice home and meet their needs. And maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to make a steak.

It's all about me

It's been nearly nine months since I've blogged. I have missed the outlet typing my emotional vomit on a public forum provided me. I'm sure my three readers missed me too.

My goal for this blog is to help me rebuild my self-confidence after the bizarre and criminal circumstances that ended my 20 year marriage. So now I find myself with an exhusband in jail. I am a single parent of 3 great (most days) daughters. Back in the work force after 10 years as a stay at home mom.

I am trying hard to be the picture-perfect independent, doesn't need a man, mom. But I think I am failing miserably. I have been a wife for nearly all of my adult life. It is what I know and what I do best. And I hate to say it, but I miss it. I liked devoting my life to my family, to feeding them, taking care of all the minutiae that makes a household run well. Having me at home let everyone else concentrate on their tasks. Now I get to run a household and bring in the income and I am doing neither very well. I know there are MANY others that are in the same boat. But this is about ME. They can write their own damn blogs.