Guilt and Exhaustion

I did not sign on to be a single parent. In addition to all the truly horrifying things my ex did, he made me be a single parent. I am not trying to trivialize his criminal behaviors. I have spent most of the last nine months trying to see that the girls would be ok. Or at least as ok as possible. Every time I start to feel bad about how my life has changed, I feel guilty. I haven't suffered at all compared to my girls.

So now I am the one that is paying the price for their suffering. And I can't get away. There are no visitation weekends. If I am not the parent, then no one is. If they need to be at the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, or counselor, it is my job to get them there. If I can't be at home with them, they are home alone. Yes, I have had some help from my mother. But sometimes that is more difficult than not getting help.

In addition to being the chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, breadwinner, landscaper, disciplinarian, and caregiver, I am also the scape goat and mental punching bag. It just keeps coming down to one simple fact. I did not protect my kids. What happened was my fault. It is a debt I will be paying to them and for them forever.