Rant

Sigh. I was just sitting down here to post about how things seemed to be pointing me in the direction of my hometown. There are 3 jobs listed that I am qualified for. My old house is vacant and I now have a contact number for the lawyer representing the bank that foreclosed on it. There has been a small amount of interest in my home (unfortunately - very small.) Then youngest daughter came in to tell me what oldest daughter has been up to - again.

I am so sick of this child and her trashiness that I can't even stand to look at her right now. I KNOW everything she says is a lie. The more she pretends she is doing everything she is supposed to, the more I know that she is hiding what she is doing that she is NOT supposed to.

I feel cheated. I was a good kid, a great teenager, and a very responsible adult. How did I end up with such a lying little sleaze as a daughter. Yes, I know I can contribute the sleaziness in part to her dad - but even before his criminal actions she was an accomplished liar and she had started down the road of trashiness several years before his actions. I really don't have any left to give.

For further fun, my felon ex-husband has filed to have child support recalculated based on his prison income. I knew it was coming, but now I get to spend more money on attorney fees and take more time off work to deal with this. And it won't change the outcome at all. I will not see a cent for 5 years. So I am asking my attorney to see if he is open to terminating his parental rights. No more child support for him - no more him for us to have to deal with again. Truly - I have never hated anyone as I do him. He destroyed many lives - yet he can only think about his. Bastard.

Ramblings of an Overtired Mind

Open house is over. People actually showed at this one. This is our 5th Open House in the last two years and the first one that ever had anyone attend. We had 5 sets of lookers. Very pleased.

Keeping the dogs occupied was interesting. We tried PetSmart. We know that Maggie doesn't do well with other dogs, but we had high hopes. They were dashed. I had to rush her back outside and send S in to buy some Bitter Yuck spray. Then we ventured back in. It went much better with that threat hanging over her head. She even let a playful German Shepherd pup touch her nose. An unheard of liberty.

Then we took them to the park. We walked for an hour. I'm not sure who was limping more, Maggie or me. Rocky did fine, as he always does. The girls had fun watching people watch Maggie. They are either mesmerized or terrified, but rarely indifferent. Today a young boy saw her, threw up his arms and yelled "Bear!" So this week she has been called both a tiger and a bear. If we can add lion to the mix, then I can pretend to be Dorothy and skip down the path in pretty red shoes. Oh my.

Did finally get that bizarro nail trimmed. Unfortunately she woke up and jerked as I was doing it and now it is bleeding. I hate when I hurt my babies.

Saw a bat today - in the day time. Not my favorite flying creature.

Bought tomatoes from the farmer down the road - tons of them. And a big fat spider was in the bag too. I didn't even have to pay extra for him. I could have probably stir-fried him and we could have each had 2 legs. At that point I will go vegetarian.

Deeply Imbedded Filth

Tomorrow is our Open House. I hate those things. No one ever shows up. Still, I do them because it gets our house in the paper - and it forces us to do a deep clean. We have been working all day. I finished steam cleaning the carpets at 10:00 p.m. We did our yard work today - and the neighbor's yard since they moved out and left their home to be foreclosed on. Tomorrow we get up early and bake cookies for the "smell" and to console ourselves with them afterward. If we can just figure out what to do with the dogs for two hours tomorrow afternoon. If only I knew someone with sheep that might want to test drive a guard dog...

Things have mellowed here a bit. I feel like we are all ignoring the elephant in the room, unfortunately whether you ignore it or not, it will still shit on your carpet. If only steam cleaning would clean up this particular mess. I do think darling daughter was taken aback by being brought home in a police car and by seeing me cry in public. I do hope we can sell soon and I can get the girls back to my home town. We all need fresh starts.

The Best Policy

I got new glasses today. I'm quite happy with them. They are olive green and make me feel like a cross between Tina Fey and a librarian. Which, if I'm honest, is what I usually feel like.

They are just stylish enough for me to know that in 10 years I will look back at photos and say, "What in the world was I thinking." Which, if I'm honest, is what I usually think when I look at photos of me.

I'm going to give wearing them daily a try. I usually reserve glasses only for the days after sleepless nights, when I can't get my contacts in my dry eyes. Which, if I'm honest...

To Bank or Not to Bank

Today a supervisor asked me if I had thought about becoming an assistant manager. He foresees an opening in the next few months. I panicked. I could literally feel my throat closing. I knew if I was offered this position, I would have to take it. The pay would be livable, but not great. It would make me marketable for better positions in banking over the years. But it would keep me in banking. For years.

I used to think, I wanted to be a banker. In reality I fell into it shortly out of college and have stayed in the field on and off for a few decades now. I know that many would love to have a job, any job, right now. Much less one with a chance for a small promotion. And not too many weeks ago I was one of those people. But I just spent my first summer not seeing my kids. They did their things all day, every day. I worked and when I got home, I was so unhappy, I slept. Now my girls and I are struggling with a whole lot of exhausting emotional issues and I feel like I need to be rejuvenated by my job. Not even more exhausted.

I know that I can live for about 8 months on my savings and what is left of my retirement fund. And yes I know I shouldn't touch the retirement fund, but after watching it shrink for the past 18 months, it is harder for me to think of it as "savings." I feel a big decision coming on in the next two weeks. I wish I knew what it would be.

Everyone is ok, depending on your definition

Too much bad for one year. Can't take a lot more. The police do know us well now. So tired. I have to decide if protecting my kids from themselves is more important than keeping the house and feeding the same kids.

Sunday in the Park with Dogs

It's Sunday night. How in the hell did that happen? I hate it when I work Saturdays. The weekends are non-existant. We had a showing at 8:00 a.m. this morning. Who does that? Don't people know that you either go to church on Sunday morning or you sleep in. You do NOT get up and look at houses or make OTHER people get up and leave their house. Complete with over 150 pounds of canines.

So the girls, dogs and I hit the walking trail at the park - and thought, hmmm for August 23rd it is insanely cold. It did hit 70 degrees today. And truly that is perfect weather. But in Indiana, in mid-August, the low should be in the 80's.

So in a completely random segue - Maggie has these extra toes. They hang a few inches off the ground on her legs. It is a trait of the breed and they are more than bizarre looking. And they don't wear down with walks since they never actually hit the ground. I can trim about one of her nails every two weeks or so. She does NOT like people touching any of her toes, useless or not. Well it looks like one has never been trimmed and is now in almost a complete circle. I have tried 3 times tonight, but when a 115 pound guard dog doesn't want a pedicure, she doesn't get one. I'm thinking I may have to sedate her and get a set of bolt trimmers for the nails and hedge trimmers for the coat.

What do I Want to be When I Grow up:

A long time ago, I started asking myself this question. When I was 10, I wanted to teach Scuba Diving and math to 9th graders. I had never been scuba diving and I was only in 5th grade math at the time, but even then I knew 5th graders were all snots and I'd never make it through the day teaching them.

At no point in my life have I ever woken up and thought, "I WANT to be a banker." So why am I a banker? I have wanted to be a model, a writer, an advertising executive, a taste tester at an ice cream factory, a veterinarian, and a Realtor.

The one I have come back to several times in the last 15 years is Realtor. I have pursued it enough to get literature, take compatability tests, and contact various brokers' offices. But I have never taken the step of getting trained and getting my license. The idea of potentially no income for several months has always terrified me. At this point in my life I can think of many reasons not to pursue it, and if I miss one I know my mother will throw it at me. But for the first time in my life I have a few months income set aside (unspent child support). I know I would be a good real estate agent. I am exceptionally detail orientated, I have a strong background in finance, specifically mortgage processing, I am extremely service orientated, and I want to succeed. The main thing I don't have that I will need is a supportive family. I'm sure the kids would be ok with it, but my mother will call me all kinds of names, both to my face and behind my back to my kids.

I also know that in a year, I will not have that extra money set aside. I do not make enough to cover our bills and I have been dipping into my savings a little each month. It seems like a now or never kind of thing.

The next set of classes starts in just over 3 weeks. I am going to see if we get any showings on the house before the end of August. If not, I am going to sign up. I would still rather sell the house and move back to Illinois, but I know I need to make a major change soon.

Refreshed

I got sent home from work 2 hours early today. There were literally no customers for hours. I need the money, but I also need the time off.

When I got home, all my kids were doing what they were SUPPOSED to be doing. I was both surprised and relieved. I have run out of things to take away from the eldest.

So I spent my two found hours repainting the front door and the porch swing as my Realtor suggested. Now I really need to get to bed. There isn't enough paint in the world to hide the bags under my eyes.

Why my Dog is Better than a Husband

Rocky is a fabulous dog, but as I was laying down to nap, I realized he would make a great husband - here is why:

He likes to spoon in bed.
He greets me with kisses whenever I come home.
He has gorgeous eyes and a charming smile.
He thinks I'm the greatest thing in the world.
He loves my cooking.
Even if I don't cook it first.
He has fabulous hair.
He always cheers me up when I'm blue.
He makes me laugh.
He will protect his family from all threats, real and imagined.
He likes dogs.
He doesn't smoke.
He never insults me.
When I'm a bitch, he thinks that is appropriate.
He loves to exercise.
He lets me lead when we dance.
He never takes the remote control.
He can lick his own damn penis.

The only down side is he has a hairy back - and I can live with that.

Guilt and Exhaustion

I did not sign on to be a single parent. In addition to all the truly horrifying things my ex did, he made me be a single parent. I am not trying to trivialize his criminal behaviors. I have spent most of the last nine months trying to see that the girls would be ok. Or at least as ok as possible. Every time I start to feel bad about how my life has changed, I feel guilty. I haven't suffered at all compared to my girls.

So now I am the one that is paying the price for their suffering. And I can't get away. There are no visitation weekends. If I am not the parent, then no one is. If they need to be at the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, or counselor, it is my job to get them there. If I can't be at home with them, they are home alone. Yes, I have had some help from my mother. But sometimes that is more difficult than not getting help.

In addition to being the chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, breadwinner, landscaper, disciplinarian, and caregiver, I am also the scape goat and mental punching bag. It just keeps coming down to one simple fact. I did not protect my kids. What happened was my fault. It is a debt I will be paying to them and for them forever.

Perchance to Dream, NOT

Eventually I will sleep. That is all I can come up with at this point. It has been 3 days since I have slept more than 45 minutes without waking up. I am barely hanging on. Not sure how I can be so exhausted and still not sleep.

At least 8 times a night I awake in a full fledged anxiety attack about the kids, the house, the job, finances, etc... So now I have to get dressed and pretend to function like a real person.

Thank God Tomorrow is Monday!

It's nearly 1:00 a.m. which means I have been up for almost 13 hours. So how can I be so wiped out? Oh yeah - I did about 20 hours worth of work in that time.

I am bruised, battered, burned and bug bitten. Got into a fight with some poison ivy too, but that didn't fit my nice alliteration. Besides in a day or two I will find out if I won that fight.

I cooked twice today. First I made gluten-free pancakes and fried up some bacon. The bacon spattered and burned my arm, which blistered immediately. A few minutes later it attacked again, but went for my face. I think I set a land speed record getting to the sink and sticking my head into the dirty dishes and under the cold water faucet. I have enough issues with scarring on my face, I do not need to add to it.

So later tonight I grilled out and made BBQ ribs. Big thick ones. I closed the lid of the grill to get them smoked clean through. When I opened the lid a few minutes later, flames leaped out and about caught my hair on fire. Not a good day for Renee. But the ribs were excellent.

I did, however, defur the entire downstairs. Hauled a desk out of the garage (where it has been resting for 2 weeks) and up into J's room. Hung a huge ass mirror in S's room - twice. The wire broke the first time. Then I touched up the paint on her wall where the huge ass mirror slid down. Cleaned out my closet - which is a task. That thing is enormous. Bought some plants on clearance from Lowes and repotted them and had J and a neighbor kid plant the leftovers. Cleaned the kitchen, complete with mopping. And changed purses. Now I am going to sleep for 5 hours, get up and be thrilled to go to work where I can relax. At least for a few hours - tomorrow is a half day.

Working Like a Dog

Actually since I did more than shed and lick myself, I worked a hell of a lot harder.

I woke up this morning with a purpose. I want to make some major life changes. Not because I have to - I have spent the last 9 months doing that. But because I WANT to. I do not want to live in this house. I do not want to work in a job with little chance of earning a livable wage for another 2 -3 years.

So I called a local Real Estate chain - a fairly big one - and set up an appointment for 12:30. I dropped the kids off at Barnes and Nobles with our membership card. Then I went and talked to an agent about listing the house. I am having zero response to my sign, ad and flyers. He is going to come out Monday to take photos and have me sign the listing agreement. I also talked to him about what is involved in becoming an agent. It is something I think about pursuing every couple of years, but have always found a practical reason to put it off. Now I have a ton of practical reasons - all of them based on finances. But I keep thinking, it is now or never. And I know I have survived being broke before. Fairly recently. So I am number crunching and seeing if I have the finances to make a go for it.

After that meeting, the girls and I went grocery shopping, I haven't done more than picking up milk and produce for nearly a month. One hundred and eighty five dollars later we headed home.

S & A pooper scooped the yard, I weed-eatered it and J mowed it. Then I dug out the edger and cleaned up the sidewalk and driveway area. Throughout the day I managed to finish the laundry. I also cleaned out and reorganized the pantry. Found a pile of Mark's clothing that needed mending. Decided to trash them. Not the toughest decision I'll ever make. I made chicken teriyaki with broccoli, rice and left over quinoa. Yummmmmmy. After dinner I started a fire in the fire pit - (had some weird starter log thingie that really helped the process) and we roasted marshmellows on it.

Then I took a long bubble bath, loaded the dishwasher and made some gluten-free brownies. They taste different, but good. Sometime during the day we also took the dogs for a long walk around the neighborhood.

Tomorrow I have another long list of things to take care of before the listing appointment, but I made huge progress today. If the house sells quickly, I may ditch the real estate plans and head over to my home town. I think I can handle a dead end job if I am in a place that has happy memories for me. I found out the job I applied to a couple of weeks ago, still hasn't been filled, so there is a chance for that to pan out yet too.

I wish I could bottle the energy I had today and take a shot of it every day.

Waiting for Godot I'm not.

Have nothing on my mind since it is 1:30 in the morning. My contacts are dried little disks in my eyes. So why am I still up? Waiting for the laundry to finish drying. Yes, I know it will do that even if I go to bed. But I finally got sick of the pink pile of crap that came out of A's room when she decided she was too old for Care Bears and what not. Amvets is coming bright and early this morning to pick up our stuff. Unfortunately some of her old treasures were so filthy I couldn't bring myself to give them away with out a thorough washing. So now I am waiting for the dryer. And waiting. Still better than getting up early to put them out.

Wait - I have to get up early to put the dogs out. Damn - I could have gone to bed hours ago.

Irrational Fears and Irrational People

I have the best dogs. I needed to say something positive since I have been on a major bitch fest and there appears to be no end in site. So, Rocky and Maggie are truly the most loving and fun to watch animals in the world.

Now on to the regularly scheduled programming...

We went to the State Fair tonight. It was great to see our friends - and the tenderloin was nummy. But I really can't go back. Crowds are starting to do things to me. I don't remember being this nervous in them before the last 6 months or so. I get very panicky now when a lot of people are near me. Especially when my kids are nearby. I thinked I counted heads every 15 seconds or so. I blame Mark. (But I blame him for pretty much everything.) I am terrified that I am going to be separated from the girls and not be able to find them. And there are so many strange people at the fair. Used to be the carnival workers were the odd looking ones. They looked like soccer moms and accountants compared to the patrons. And as we left, some guy on the street started yelling things at us. Because I am an idiot, I turned and asked him what he said. He repeated it louder. I am not sure but I think he wanted to "party" with my girls and I. About wigged me out, and I pulled my chickies closer and we booked to the car. Really, I can't go back.

Between that and the "customer" that yelled at me at me on the phone today at work for losing her $50,000.00, I have had it with humans. I asked her 3 times if she was sure she was calling the right bank. She assured me she was and I had better find her money. I finally made her go find a statement and read me the name of the bank on it. Didn't share a single syllable with my bank. Then she wanted me to tell her the phone number of her real bank. I pointed out that I had never had need to call them and that she was holding a statement from them in her hand.

People piss me off - well all except you guys reading this.

Make Mine a Double

Just for the record, I am not the Renee that is following this blog. At least I don't think I am. This blog isn't listed as one I am following. Of course as computer savvy as I am, it might be me. So if you are Renee and are 25% of my followers, please leave me a comment so I don't think I have a split personality that is so unoriginal it gave itself the same name as my other personality.

And speaking of head games, I think I might need an adjustment on my Prozac. I seem to be cycling between feeling invincible and feeling like I stepped in dog poop. barefoot. with both feet. I think I'd like to feel something in the middle for more than a few hours.

Tomorrow we are going to the state fair after I get off work. We have free tickets to get in, so we can justify $5 corndogs and $4 bottled waters. I figure after a tenderloin or fried Twinkies I will be puking up at least one of my personalities. It might be worth it.

Day 1 of 180

Today is the first day back to school for my girls. Just for the record, I hate public school. I have already been given my first "homework" assignment. Since the only people that think this is cute are the teachers, they are just going to have to give me an incomplete for the year. Really, working full time, raising 3 daughters on my own, shopping, cooking, and cleaning, taking 5 animals to the vet and the kids to doctor, dentist, counseling and ortho appointments - I was hoping someone that had the summer off would think up ways to give me more to do.

It is now 7 a.m. and 2 of the 3 left 15 minutes ago for their bus. The other is ready and annoying the bloody heck out of me. At least for a few weeks it will be daylight at the bus stop.

Yesterday we hauled the groceries to the school so A wouldn't have to carry them on the bus. I'm fairly certain this is an Indiana phenomenon. The free education that my children are provided involves a minimum of $100 per kid for textbook rental, at least $50 of required school supplies, and then a shopping list to stock the classroom: Kleenex, Clorox hand wipes, Ziploc baggies. Each year I keep expecting them to add toilet paper to the list.

Yes, I understand that in the past teachers paid for this out of their own pockets, blah, blah, blah. Why not let our property taxes pay for this and, I don't know, get rid of the HD flat screen TV's in each classroom?

Oh well in 5 minutes it is time for me to get up and get ready for work. Let the games begin.

Unqualified

I took 6 tests today: Filing, Typing, Excel, Word, Outlook, Powerpoint. I blew 5 of them away. I tend to test very well. I, however, came up short on the typing. I could only type 47 words per minute. To pass I needed to type 50 WPM. So I do not meet the qualifications of the job. Sigh.

A few times in the past weeks, I have had the opportunity to flirt with unmarried men. It's been over 20 years since I have even tried to flirt. To say that I am bad at it, is a HUGE understatement. I seem to be one of the guys. This was a recurring theme in high school. I had a ton of guy friends, but none of them thought of me as female. In college, I had a reprieve where I seemed to seen as a girl. At least by drunk males. I am wondering if gay men would see me as one of the guys? Perhaps there is a group I might still appeal to? Or perhaps flirting is just something else I am not qualified for. Sigh.

My head hurts

I have spent the majority of the weekend on the computer trying to teach myself how to use PowerPoint, Outlook and the finer points of Excel. I have been taking typing tests where the instructor suggests I take up long hand.

When I took a break and answered the phone my ex brother-in law was on it. There was nothing I wanted to do less than talk to someone related to the pedophile. Seriously - I would rather have a gynological exam. Or my belly button pierced.

I'm wishing I had more Vodka and Cranberry juice, but it is probably good that I don't.

9 Months

Today is the 9 month anniversary of finding out that my husband was a felon. Of knowing that our lives were basically over. When I think of how I felt on that day, I was positive I would never feel good again. I knew that I would lose the house, was terrified I might lose my kids, and thought living in our car was a real possibility for us, very probably while on the run.

We did lose a lot. Our income, health insurance, trust in my judgement, our sense of security. But we have gained so very much more. We know who our family and friends are. We know that we can survive and survive quite well with much less money. We know that persistance pays off. And we know that we have each others' backs.

If I could have known 9 months ago that not only would we pull through, but pull through nicely and this quickly, I would have been much less stressed. But I probably needed that stress to do what I had to do to get us here. Of course without all my friends and family members that helped us, "here" would be a very different place.

In nine months a new life can grow and be born. In our case it was four new lives.

Thank you everyone.

Vodka and Diet Cranberry Juice

Gluten and sugar free. No post for me tonight.

And Just Why in the Hell is there a BMI Calculator on Here?

One of the more pleasant side effects of cutting the ex out of my life was dropping over 30 pounds with absolutely no effort on my part. It isn't a diet I recommend, but since I had to go through the other crap, I'll take the silver lining. As a result of the loss I have a BMI that is, for the first time since I got married (many many moons ago), in the healthy range. Now I am just barely in the healthy range, but I am there. Our Wii Fit isn't happy though. It wants me at a BMI of 22. So that is my long term goal. I live to gain approval from video games.

Anyway, a friend was recently diagnosed with Celiacs disease - actually a couple of friends were. Since I am a nosy busybody, I started researching the gluten free life style. Good stuff there. Seems going off gluten can relieve many of my less enjoyable symptoms of aging. So I thought I'd give it a try. Same friend told me if I went off sugar my "brain fog" would clear. Not sure that was too nice telling me I had/have brain fog, but I will admit that I frequently live down to my hair color. (Ditzy gray ;-D ) Anyhoo - went off most sugar and gluten for two weeks and lost NINE pounds!!! So thrilled I celebrated. With sugar and gluten. Two weeks later I have found each and everyone of those missing pounds. They got uglier.

So I am starting fresh. Tomorrow ( yeah, I know) I will restart. Today I went to a Whole Foods grocery and spent a small fortune on gluten-free products. On the way home I tore into the package of Wasabi Rice Crackers. As soon as the first one hit my tongue - my tongue called me a bitch. But within a minute of swallowing, it apologized and asked for another. I am now officially addicted to these spicy little crunchers. And the great thing is I can have 15 crackers for 120 calories. So happy.

So that BMI calculator is going to stay there until the evil monster that lives in the Wii Fit says YEAH YOU!! My goal is by my next birthday. So ignore it, use it, cuss it out - but it is my constant reminder that I CAN make a machine eat its words (gluten free though they may be.)

A Life Well Done

The other night I had to come to terms with the fact that there are some things I just can't do. Starting a wood fire is one of them. Tonight I had another realization. No matter how nice the cut of beef is, I can't make an edible steak. I either overcook it and it becomes something like really nasty gum or it is so rare on the inside that it is still chewing its cud.

Today I hauled scrap metal to the dump on my lunch hour. This may not seem like much, but it's another of those things I have never done before. Each one gives me a lift - like maybe I can do this on my own. Maybe I can make a good life for my children. Maybe I can provide a nice home and meet their needs. And maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to make a steak.

It's all about me

It's been nearly nine months since I've blogged. I have missed the outlet typing my emotional vomit on a public forum provided me. I'm sure my three readers missed me too.

My goal for this blog is to help me rebuild my self-confidence after the bizarre and criminal circumstances that ended my 20 year marriage. So now I find myself with an exhusband in jail. I am a single parent of 3 great (most days) daughters. Back in the work force after 10 years as a stay at home mom.

I am trying hard to be the picture-perfect independent, doesn't need a man, mom. But I think I am failing miserably. I have been a wife for nearly all of my adult life. It is what I know and what I do best. And I hate to say it, but I miss it. I liked devoting my life to my family, to feeding them, taking care of all the minutiae that makes a household run well. Having me at home let everyone else concentrate on their tasks. Now I get to run a household and bring in the income and I am doing neither very well. I know there are MANY others that are in the same boat. But this is about ME. They can write their own damn blogs.